Not always easy…

I’m someone who loves to be busy all the time. On my days off I love using that time to inspire myself and do things my future self will thank me for. But there are times when I seriously don’t feel like doing anything at all. Days I spend being annoyed at myself and the world because I feel shitty. I get angry at myself when I have these days/weeks, because I know how strong negativity is and how easy it is to get caught in that downwards spiral. These moments always feel like a waste of time to me, because I could be doing better things than feeling down, angry and annoyed. Better things than being lazy, not feeling like it and postponing. 

If you have this, BE CAREFUL. Do not let that negativity pull you down, but be AWARE and PAY ATTENTION. Where are these feelings coming from? When you start feeling like this it is most important to listen to your basic needs. Your subconscious mind might want to tell you one or two things. I tested myself for a few weeks. Allowing the negativity to take over, but I maintained my awareness by talking to people and not allowing myself to pull myself down any further. As I was doing this I noticed a few things:

1. It did NOT feel good. I often felt sick to my stomach, because the waves of negativity were sickening (I actually caught the flu and I hadn’t been sick for months!)

2. The more I allowed it, the more negative people and situations I drew to me.

3.My strong will to be excellent was constantly trying to surface which caused a real war inside of me.

And my will won. I went back to London for a few days to relax and when I came back I received bad news. All the fresh energy and inspiration I had gained in London were immediately gone. This caused me to get extremely confused. I didn’t know how to feel and what to do. I felt like it wasn’t fair if I would continue being positive and motivated and inspired. Again my will to be excellent poked me and pulled my hair. My mind was spinning and fighting itself. Then I decided to listen to my feelings and my body. I felt stressed and sad. I was mourning. My body was hurting and tired. I needed rest. I knew what I had to do. Mourn and rest. So I did. I cried as much as I could, canceled appointments, went to see my family and after the funeral I gave everything a place and went back to London. Mr. Andrew Muhammad showed me this video.

It is so important to be aware of your thoughts, feelings and body. One controls the other and if you are not in contact with yourself, you’re wasting your life. Remember to breathe! The past few weeks have been such a major lesson for me and I hope that sharing this will be a good lesson to you too. In time you’ll learn this is about you.

In loving memory

Of course you don’t know what to say.. What can one say? Nothing can change the situation. Your loved one is gone. A baby who could have had such a beautiful life. Who could have been an amazing artist, a ladiesman, a president, a successful businessman. You name it. Barely able to walk and talk, a pure spirit, untouched. Suddenly left our world to join the spirit world.

Baby boy Jahreece, I ask you to watch over us, your family. You will be an inspiration to us all to be the best we can be as human beings. We will all make you proud. We’ll all teach you the lessons of life while you’re up there. And when your soul returns you’ll be a proud spirit who fed off our positve and stong energy. A spirit who will not make the mistakes we have made, because you’ve seen us an learned. I love you. This is written in your honor and memory.

With love, your auntie.

‘Recoming’ confident. Part 2.

I woke up and we were in Dover, South England. Beautiful landscapes, I had to catch my breath several times as the sun was shining over the hills. I can’t even explain the beauty of it but as I’m writing, I see it in my minds eye. I would be in London soon. 

The whole weekend there was great. I did get confronted with the importance of speaking out my needs. If you don’t answer to your needs, you might get cranky, miss out on good things or feel uncomfortable and that’s a shame. I didn’t want to go home at all but I had to. On the drive back, I took the good feelings and the inspiration I got from that great city with me. 

The bus drive back wasn’t very interesting. It was nighttime and all I wanted to do was sleep. Instead of sleep, I got seasick. The bus went on the ferry for some hours. Blegh.

I went back to work in good spirit. For a while I thought my manager was a problem and I couldn’t explain to you what it was exactly. Well, a while ago I sent her an email, telling her all the things that were bothering me about her. She emailed me back and I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. I spoke about it to the stranger I told you about in Bits and Pieces. In that same interview, we discussed my discomfort towards my manager. His name is Romano by the way and he is no longer a stranger. He taught me something that changed the way I look at my manager now. He said: “The way she responded is normal for her. She takes her job seriously because she is already in her place. Picture yourself on a train. And picture your work as a train stop. Your manager has reached her final destination. You’re just waiting on your next train to come and take you to all the other stops you want to be. But you can’t without waiting here first.” That’s what I needed! I now understand, accept and respect the fact that she is not like me. I can’t expect her to be as motivated as I am to move away to better things, because she is already in place. All of this may seem obvious, but a lot of us still think that everybody should be like everybody else. We need to accept each others differences and respect the fact that we’re all moving in different directions. There is no manager issue anymore and working with her has become pleasant. 

A day after my first day of work, I had a training for another mentor project for school children between the ages of 9 and 12. Since the day Romano shared his wise words with me, I’d been applying the train station theory to everyone. Respecting and accepting that everybody has another destination and a different journey. For a long time I had a feeling that something inside me was holding me back from being who I am. That day I finally figured out what that was. I used to let myself get intimidated by extrovert people. I always thought that I had to be like them in order to be liked by people. The training was with an extrovert 28 year old and guided by my role model, Sarita. I already respected the fact that my fellow participant was the way she was and I wasn’t intimidated anymore like I would be a couple of years ago. But there were still moments of insecurity inside me. During the training Sarita let  us open up completely towards each other. She mentioned our strengths and told us how to deal with our insecurities. Most of all she showed us how to accept ourselves for who we are. I recognized what I already knew about myself and learned how to respect and accept myself completely. I’m an introvert character. I’m creative, I express myself through my creativity. I don’t talk much, but when I do, I have something good to say. I don’t like to be forced into talking, it’s hard for me to explain myself when that happens. I’m very grounded, down to earth, relaxed. It’s not easy to piss me off. I’m a good listener, always willing to help out and give advice where and when I can. I’m a leader and I was born to be great. 

This acceptance was all I needed. It was time to put my re-found confidence to the test in the first mentor project. Kids feel it when you’re insecure. In the first 15 minutes of the project, I felt shy. The second I let that shyness go, a rain of energy and fun came over me. Yeah, definitely holding on to this feeling.

How we feel and how we act is for us to decide. No one can control us but ourselves. But it’s always nice to have someone wake us up to that.

‘Recoming’ confident. Part 1.

It’s been a while since I blogged to you and I’ve learned many valuable lessons in a very short period of time.

I had my workshop last week. I was nervous, worried and forgot to breathe at times, but I did alright. I came well prepared, I seemed calm and clear and I motivated every participant. I’m pretty proud of that, but I wouldn’t have known all this if I hadn’t asked everyone to fill in a feedback card. Getting feedback is a great way to reflect upon yourself through the vision of others. Without feedback I would be doubting myself and I wouldn’t know what effect I had on my participants. I’m glad that I actually had the guts to stand in front of a small group of people after such a long time. Doing this made me realize the use of my education and it proves that those four years were worth it. And I remembered how much I loved it! One of my girls wrote on her feedback card among other things: “Believe in yourself and others will follow.” This hit me straight in the heart because I had been so stressed out, when I actually knew what I was doing and how to do it. My nerves and insecurities were holding me back to be the best I could be. I won’t allow that to happen again!

After my workshop I started to wonder where all my self confidence had gone. When I was 20, I was hardly ever insecure about anything.  It was noticeable in the way I walked, talked and you could see it in the things I did. At times I was over confident and then things would occasionally go wrong. For example during an internship in Suriname in 2010, where the report of my previous internship and my confidence impressed my supervisor so much, that  she felt no need to check up on me. I ended up doing everything last minute with my dad’s foot up my ass to get everything done in time. This all leading to a disappointed supervisor and a mediocre event which could have been the talk of the country. Somewhere between getting my diploma and today a great amount of my confidence was lost. 

The Saturday after my workshop, I took off to London by bus. It was an eight hour drive and I was all alone. Loved it. I decided to reflect on the workshop and how I felt and why I felt what I felt. The soothing tempo of the bus and the fact that I was alone made it so easy for me to jump back to that time in which I was so confident. What made me so confident? Well, I didn’t care about what anybody thought about me, I didn’t mind embarrassing myself every once in a while and I wouldn’t let anything that anyone else had to say to help me get in. I was doing me. I was thinking that after all the shit I had been through, I wasn’t gonna let anyone tell me what to do anymore. When I came to that conclusion right there, I literally shook my head and laughed. At that time it was okay for me to think that. But looking back at myself in that bus on my way to London, I saw that that wasn’t confidence. I was cocky and not a very likable person. Only to those who had been in my life since my teenage years and I considered to be my friends. 

One day, in the summer of 2011, I made a mistake. What that mistake was is irrelevant to you readers, but this mistake was the key to a huge change. The mistake concerned me and my best friend back then. It ripped us apart. She stated she didn’t know me. My other friends (we were a group of five) also turned their backs on me. Not right away, because we were first trying to solve what had happened. We went on a vacation together and after, all contact was lost. There were only two girls who still spoke to me from time to time, but all that also ended eventually. I felt so sorry about the mistake. I don’t think I had ever felt so sorry about anything. These girls were my everything, the ones that understood me and the ones who knew me for who I was. I felt abandoned and it almost felt unrighteous. It had such a big influence on me that it effected the way I dealt with people. I became very careful in everything I did and said. I started talking about it to certain people I had known and hung out with from time to time. They were so understanding and nobody blamed me for anything. I hung out with them more and more and I learned about friendship. True friendship. But I still hadn’t fully let go of what happened. I still thought about my old friends a lot and I’d always cry after seeing them, because I still felt bad. Even though we behaved normal and said hi when we saw each other. 

Driving along a beautiful French field, I thought: what a waste of tears. She was right about not knowing me. I didn’t even know myself back then! I was doing whatever. Acting the way I thought a grown person should act. I thought I was already there. I had my own house, a good job, great friends. What more did I need? After that long friendship ended, I went to live with my mom again after almost 7 years. I got that job I have now at De Tuinen and you’ve read a bit of what happened since. Then I thought about the kind of person I am now and all the things that I want for myself. As I was thinking, I felt true confidence growing. I’m working towards E-VE-RY thing I’ve always wanted to do. And I’m good at it! And it’s getting clearer and clearer in my mind! I have actual goals now! I’m more realistic! Most of all: I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I immediately wrote down my goals. 

What do I want?

I want to travel.

I want to use my many talents and become excellent in all of them.

I want to inspire people to become legends of their own life and to help them make their dreams come true. I want to motivate people to make the most out of themselves.

Besides knowing what you want it is also very important to understand why you want it. 

I want this because:

It will make me happy. 

It makes me grow and I will continue to grow and that is the best feeling in the world for me.

It teaches me and keeps teaching me about myself and about people.

Because my life will never EVER be boring again.

And then I fell asleep.

Part 2 will come soon, stay tuned. If you’re on Tumblr feel free to follow. If not, keep watching the Facebook news feed! 

Special shout out to: Abby, Lani, Luuk, Rachaila and Roy. Ya’ll make hard times easy.

To read my previous blogs to catch up, press archive and scroll down to the first blog.

Thanks for reading!